


I'm Not Ready to Let Go

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Original Character Death(s), Sickness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-04 22:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11564526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Liv knows something is going on with Barba, but this...she never would have guessed. How will she help him get through it and cope?





	I'm Not Ready to Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this because I was hurting. It is really just raw emotions from a loss I suffered and I really used this as an outlet. Comments would be so greatly appreciated, I could use a pick me up, but I just hope people enjoy this. I tried to stay true to character....

Liv handed the file over to Rafael. He was sitting at the table in his office, on his phone every other second and unusually quiet. “The vic claims that she was attacked by her boyfriend?” he asked tiredly.

“Yes,” Olivia replied simply, waiting for the follow up. With him, there always was a follow up,

“Does she seem credible, no waffling on details?”

“No more than what is usual,” Liv said, frowning. He already seemed wary of this case. “Barba are you okay?” she asked when he checked his phone for what seemed like the fiftieth time in five minutes.

“Fine,” he stated, pulling at his tie to loosen it. He picked up the file, reading through it, “A he said-she said?” Rafael whispered, exasperated, “Did she tell anyone right afterwards?”

“Her sister,” Liv replied, “The rape kit was a positive for semen, it matches the boyfriend of course. She has abrasions and trauma consistent with an assault,”

“Defense will just argue that she liked rough sex,” Rafael said flatly,

“You’ve indicted on less,”

“We need more, start digging into past girlfriends, see what you can find,” he instructed. When he looked up at her, there were dark bags under his eyes, a defeated air to him. His voice sounded exhausted, no hint of the sharp tongued lawyer with a good sense of humor, just a tired, tired man.

“Let’s take a break,” Liv suggested, “I’ll buy you a drink,” Rafael was about to answer when his phone started to ring. He held up a finger, answering the call. Rafael headed out of the room, talking in hushed tones before coming briskly back over to his desk.

“Rain check? I have to go,” he grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair. “Let me know what you find,” Rafael called over his shoulder, grabbing his brief case and leaving Liv standing in his office alone. That should have been her first clue that something was going on with him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

The next time she saw him, he was strolling into the precinct, practically slamming his briefcase down on the table and immediately ripping into Rollins, “You didn’t vet the witness? I put Kyle up on the stand and he took a one-eighty Rollins, what the hell,”

“Barba,” Carisi interjected, stepping in to defend Amanda, “You can’t blame Rollins for this, he was in protective custody all night. His story was consistent when we talked to him,”

“How the hell did they get to him?” Rafael yelled, “Someone tell me because I had to spend my morning assuring the D.A. that I would rectify this situation,”

“We’ll look into it,” Liv said, approaching him cautiously, this wasn’t about the witness or at least she didn’t think so. “Sit down, we can talk this through. We’ll find something else to help,” Rafael glared, but he collapsed down into the chair, rubbing his face tiredly. They spent nearly thirty minutes talking through the details of the case before they had a course of action to try and clean up the mess that it had become. Rafael was still brooding in his seat, glaring at the wall. He looked ragged, somehow even more tired than before. “Barba, my office?” she asked.

He got up and followed her in, closing the door, “Can I do something for you?” he asked, sitting down.

“What’s going on with you? You didn’t have to yell at Rollins like that, witnesses turn all the time Rafael,” Liv commented, pouring him a cup of coffee, “Drink this, you look exhausted,”

“Thank you,” he murmured, taking the cup before answering, “I’m fine Liv, just tired. I’ve had some late nights recently,” Rafael stood up, pacing for a few seconds. He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he just shook his head. His phone started to ring, and he looked at it like it had betrayed him, “I have to answer that,” Rafael disappeared from her office, for a few moments before rushing back in and grabbing his jacket, “I’m sorry to run out on you again like this, I’ll have to reschedule our meeting with the victim in the Taylor case tomorrow. I’ll call you,” Liv sat down in her chair, she was concerned about him.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Liv strolled into 1 Hogan Place, going directly toward Rafael’s office. He had been ducking her calls all week, only shooting her an email rescheduling their meeting. Carmen was sitting at her desk typing away, a large pile of papers next to her. His door was shut, so Liv went up, knocking on the door, “He’s not in there,” Carmen said simply.

“Where is he? Out to lunch?” Liv asked. It was noon, she should have come earlier, but this was the first chance she had to get away from the office,

“No, he’s out of the office today. Something personal I believe, but I’m not really sure,” the assistant replied. Olivia sighed, heading out.

“Tell him I dropped by please,” she called over her shoulder, going down to drive back to the station. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Hey Liv, sorry I missed you today. I had something I had to take care of. I can come in later if you need something,” his voice did sound apologetic on the phone.

“No, no it’s alright. I was just concerned. You haven’t been yourself lately. How is your mother?” Liv asked, hoping she wasn’t overstepping. He had talked to her about his family before.

“I’m alright Liv, it’s complicated. My mother is fine,” Rafael said tiredly. Liv didn’t believe him one bit. He sounded anything but fine.

“Are things okay at home?” she asked gently,

“We’re not fighting if that’s what you’re asking,” he said simply, “Look, I don’t really want to talk about this right now. I’ll see you tomorrow at the trial,”

“Okay,” Liv relented. if he didn’t want her help, she couldn’t make him take it. ………………………………………………………………………………………….

Rafael stood up from his seat in the courtroom, glaring down the man who was on the stand currently. Olivia frowned watching as the lawyer gingerly moved towards the jury. He looked like he was in pain, his stride clumsy, his steps slow. “Mr. Casey, you told the police that you never saw Ms. O’Brien before, but that wasn’t the truth,”

“I already told you, I was afraid that it would give the police the wrong idea,”

“And lying to them wouldn’t,” he countered. “Your DNA was found underneath her fingernails, your semen on her clothing,”

“Objection your honor,” Buchanan said, “Is there a question here. The witness already gave an account as why his DNA ended up on the victim,”

“Alright then, let’s visit what he said about that then,” Rafael interjected, “You allege that you and Ms. O’Brien had consensual sex?”

“I’ve already said yes to that,” the man said, obviously annoyed. Rafael headed back to the table slowly, grabbing photos from his file.

“Prosecution exhibit 3B, photos of Ms. O’Brien postmortem. Tell me about these bruises, the tearing the doctors found, she wanted this?”

“She was killed, I didn’t do any of that,” Casey said disdainfully, “We just had sex,”

“It’s interesting you say that Mr. Casey, the doctors found no evidence of condom lubricant and yours was the only semen found, you at least caused the vaginal tearing,” Rafael insisted. Olivia could see the red flush of anger beginning to rise above his collar. He was still keeping himself in check, but she could tell this man really got under his skin. The man was silent, “Come on Mr. Casey, we all know what happened. You wanted Ms. O’Brien, she denied you, so you forced her. You raped her, you strangled her, and you beat her,”

“No, I didn’t,” Casey replied.

Rafael took a step closer, “Stop denying it,” his voice was beginning to get louder, “You killed her, you took her from her family,”

“I did not,”

“Objection your honor, badgering-”

“You killed her Mr. Casey, you left two little boys, a husband, a family without their mother. You took her from them you son of a bitch, admit it, fucking admit it,”

“Mr. Barba!” the judge exclaimed, “The jury will disregard Mr. Barba’s outburst, and we are going to take a recess. Court will reconvene tomorrow at 9 am, I will not tolerate another cross like that, get it together,” she was looking pointedly at the lawyer. Liv looked over to Carisi who looked shocked at Barba’s outburst. He stormed out of the courtroom, pushing past them, a hand on his back. Olivia rushed out after him, catching him in the elevator. She was quiet when she saw the redness around his eyes. He was quietly brooding. Olivia followed him to a bar down the street, sitting next to him as he ordered a bourbon on the rocks, sitting hunched over on the stool.

“What the hell was that?” she finally asked once he had downed two drinks.

“I just lost it, I hate that he thinks he can lay a hand on her and get away with it. It makes me sick,” Rafael whispered, taking a sip of his third glass. 

Olivia didn’t press him, instead switching the topic, “What’s wrong with your back?” she asked softly.

“I slept weird I think,” he replied, “I need some ibuprofen. I just really fucked up,”

Liv was quiet, ordering him one more glass before she was going to drag him from the bar if he liked it or not. “No more for him,” she said to the bartender,

“I’m fine Liv,” Rafael replied, before smirking and looking up at her, “You can come visit my grave after the D.A. calls,” She laughed at that. He finished his glass, standing up, “Thanks for the drink,” he said softly, “I’ll see you tomorrow if I haven’t been fired,” Liv could hear the joking tone in his voice, but she also saw the unshed tears that were still in his eyes, and she had a feeling it honestly had nothing to do with the trial. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Hey Lieu, what is up with Barba?” Sonny asked, coming into her office, “He just chewed me out, again. I mean the guy can be a real asshole sometimes, but he’s been angry for months,”

“I don’t know Carisi, maybe city hall is putting pressure on him. He has a very stressful job,” Liv replied.

“Yeah well I don’t need him up my ass about mine,” the detective complained, heading out to his desk. Olivia just shook her head, Carisi wasn’t wrong. Barba had been acting so strangely, screaming at detectives when they didn’t deserve it, disappearing from meetings. She would call and he wouldn’t answer. They had been seeing less and less of him, other D.A.s taking on some of his cases. Olivia had tried to drag it out of him, but he had been stubbornly brushing off her efforts. She stood up, grabbing her jacket. He wasn’t going to make her job harder, even if he wouldn’t tell her what was wrong, she wasn’t going to sit there and let him yell at her detectives for no reason. Carmen let her into his office, telling her he was out at lunch, but he would be back any minute, so she settled in a chair by his desk, picking up a new picture that he had on the desk. She smiled, Gabriella was much older. She hadn’t seen the little girl in a while.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” his voice was kind as he strolled in, taking his jacket off and rolling up his sleeves.

“This is a cute picture,” she commented, “Rafael looks so big,”

“Yeah he’s growing fast, feels like just yesterday I was bringing him home from the hospital, now he likes to throw tantrums and scream no when I tell him something,” Barba commented, shaking his head, “But I take it you didn’t come here to talk to me about my kids, what’s up?”

He immediately took a seat, pouring himself a glass of bourbon. “You ever think yelling at my detectives might make my job harder,” she commented. He sighed loudly.

“Carisi wasn’t too happy then, I take it,” Rafael replied, “Not properly getting stories from witnesses makes my job a nightmare,” he added after a few minutes, pulling out his phone that was buzzing, “Sorry, one second. Hello? No I can talk,” he listened for a few moments, tiredly wiping his face, “And you’re sure?” he asked, “Okay give me an hour. No, you don’t have to-okay well I’ll see you later then, thank you Mami,”

“Leaving?” Olivia asked, but he shook his head,

“No, I’m staying here,” he said simply, offering no other details, but pouring himself another drink.

“Well I would appreciate it if you stopped yelling at my guys,” Liv stated after a few minutes. Rafael just nodded, offering her a drink. She declined. “So what gives, you have been taking less and less cases,”

“D.A. isn’t too happy with me,” Rafael murmured, tracing the lip of his tumbler with his finger. “I’ll get myself out of the doghouse soon, it’ll be fine,”

“Well I hope it’s sooner than later, I am not such a fan of Turner,” she commented, looking at him closely. He was hard to read sometimes, but she didn’t really know how much she bought of the story. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Olivia shook her head, storming into her office, and throwing the file down on her desk. She was about ready to call the D.A. herself and tell him Rafael needed to get his ass back to SVU before she killed Turner. The man was a moron, he either refused to take cases or got his ass handed to him in court. With Rafael, she knew what she was getting, with this guy, she was left out of the loop and with multiple very upset victims. “Carisi!” she yelled, “Go over to Barba’s office and see if he’s in,”

The blond poked his head through the door, “Will do Liv, he wasn’t in yesterday though,”

“I know,” she sighed tiredly, “I’m sick of Turner, but Barba has been acting weird for six goddamned months. Actually I can go myself,” she decided, standing up and pulling on her jacket. Enough was enough. Carmen was sitting at her desk, the lights were off in Rafael’s office, the door locked.

“Carmen, where is he?” she asked. “I need to talk to him,”

“Mr. Barba is out for the week,” Carmen said, turning to face the detective, “I can set you up an appointment or let ADA Turner know that you need him,”

“Don’t you dare call Turner,” Liv grumbled, “I’ll get a hold of Rafael myself,”

“I’ll let him know you dropped by if he calls in,” the assistant offered, looking at Liv apologetically. “He should be in on Monday,”

“Okay, well thanks Carmen,” Olivia replied, sighing. She dialed Rafael’s number, but her call went directly to voicemail. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Where the hell have you been?” Liv said, grinning as she headed into his office. He was sitting on the couch, his recently ever present glass of bourbon in his hand and a file spread out on the table.

“Can’t I take vacation?” he teased, smiling. His smile was empty, shallow, almost sad looking.

“I’ve never seen you take more than a weekend off at a time,” she replied. Rafael just laughed a little, taking another sip of his drink,

“So, is there something you needed from me?” he asked.

“You haven’t been taking my calls,” Liv accused, “We could use your help, I am this close to strangling Turner,”

“I’ll see what I can do. He’s still learning Liv, give him a chance,” Rafael said, writing something down in the notebook.

“That doesn’t help my victims and you know it. Get your ass back on my cases, we need you Barba,” Olivia was ready to beg him.

“You’ll survive without me for a bit more, plus I’m still helping with some cases. I’ll be back soon, I just have to talk to-,”

“The D.A. I know,” Liv said, rolling her eyes, “I should call him myself, give him a piece of my mind,”

“It’s okay Liv, I promise, trust me,” he whispered.

She nodded softly, “I sure hope so,” she whispered. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Liv was sitting in the squad room, a whole board set up with pictures and timelines set up. Rafael should have been there by now. Sonny was sitting at his desk, “Where the hell is Barba?” he finally asked.

“Yeah,” Fin commented, “He was supposed to be here over an hour ago,”

“I’ll call him again,” Liv offered, dialing his number. It went straight to voicemail. “Well let’s get started,” she said. Suddenly she heard some clumsy footsteps and there he was. Rafael was slowly walking in, a five year old girl, half asleep in his right arm, his briefcase in his hand, and two year old Rafael passed out, perched on his left hip,

“I’m sorry I’m late guys,” he grunted, setting his briefcase down on the table. Liv rushed over to give him a hand with the kids, grabbing Gabriella, “Princesa, can you walk for Papi?” he whispered. Liv could feel the shocked looks they were receiving from the squad. She was the only one who had met his family. He was really pretty private about them. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, looking like he was going to burst into tears. He had on the same suit he was wearing the day before, his clothes wrinkled, his hair messy, “My mom was supposed to watch them, but something came up, and I-I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to cancel again,” Liv was about to assure him that it was fine when Gabriella burst into tears beside him, and she rushed to take Rafaelito from his arms so he could comfort her. “Oh mija,” he whispered.

“Papi, I want to go home,” she sobbed, “I want mami,” he groaned slightly as he knelt down and pulled her against his chest, stroking her hair,

“Gabriella, I’m sorry. I know, lo siento, lo siento,” his voice broke slightly, “If you and Rafa can be quiet for a little while, Papi will take you out for ice cream later,” Rafael promised. Olivia just bounced little Rafael in her arms, trying to keep him calm.

“Quiet like when mami is sleeping?” she asked softly and he nodded.

“Si mija, exactly,” Rafael whispered, kissing her forehead and wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Hey kiddo,” Sonny said with a grin, coming over and trying to help, “You want some candy?” Rafael normally would have glared at the man for offering her sweets without even asking him, but he was just glad to see Gabriella smile. She nodded shyly,

“Gabriella, this is Mr. Carisi, he works with Papi,” Rafael murmured,

“Oh, she can call me Sonny,” Carisi interjected. “Come on, I’ll get you some candy from my desk and maybe something to color with. Rafael mouthed a thank you, swearing softly when he saw the snot stains on his shirt.

“I’m really sorry about this Liv,” Rafael murmured, taking a breath. “Here, I can take him,” Rafa reached out for his father, quietly clinging to him, and shutting his eyes again.

“It’s perfectly fine Rafael, here come on, I can get Gabriella set up on the couch if that’s okay with her,” she offered, opening the door to the office. Sonny brought her over, candy in hand and she sat on the couch. He set some paper in front of her and some pens.

“Okay, Papi loves you, be good,” Rafael whispered, “I’ll be right out there if you really need me mija,” He tried to set Rafa down on the couch next to his sister, but the toddler was gripping his shirt. He started to fuss, so Rafael sighed and held him. He headed out and sat down at the table,  
“Barba, I didn’t know you had kids,” Fin said, smiling at Rafa.

“Yeah, I don’t tell people much. I’m sorry I’m so late, I had a crazy morning,” Rafael apologized, “We can start now if you’d like,”

“He’s so cute,” Sonny whispered. “How old is he?”

“Two, look I don’t have all day,”

“Right of course,” Liv said. They worked on the case for close to an hour, Rafael promising to get them warrants when he got back to his office. Afterwards, his breath caught as he tried to stand up, his hand going for his back.

“Shit,” he whispered, grabbing the table to steady himself. Fin was right there to help him stay upright, “Can someone get the ibuprofen from my briefcase?”

Liv quickly sifted through her friend’s briefcase, pulling out the bottle of ibuprofen and handing him two pills.

“Papi! Papi! Look at my drawing!” Gabriella called, running out to him, but she stopped short when she saw the pained expression on his face, “Papi?” she asked softly, her face melting into tears again. Rafael shut his eyes,

“I’m okay Gabriella, I promise,” he whispered, trying to reassure her. Liv came over, taking Rafa from his arms.

“Here, counselor, let me help you,” Carisi offered, “Lieu, can I go shadow Barba for the day?” Olivia nodded immediately, Sonny was good with kids and right now, it looked like Barba could use all the help he could get.

“Great, now I have three kids to look after,” Rafael joked, giving her a lopsided smirk, but she could tell how grateful he was. Rafael took the drawing from his daughter’s hands, “It’s beautiful mija,” he whispered.

“It’s for mami,” she simply explained.

“We can give it to her later. Now we need to go to papi’s office, let’s go,” Gabriella ran up and took his hand, Sonny taking Rafaelito. “Thank you Liv,” he whispered as he walked by. She just nodded, patting his arm, watching as he staggered out of view. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

It was five, and Liv needed to give Rafael back his briefcase. He had left it in the squad room that morning, and she honestly was shocked he hadn’t called her in a panic already. He always had it with him because he needed the papers in there, and it was his favorite one, it had been a birthday present from his wife. Olivia headed over to Carmen, the door of his office was shut, “Let me guess,” she said, “He’s not in there?”

“Correct,” Carmen replied, looking up from her computer, “He rushed out of here around three,’

“Well, do you know where he is?” Liv asked, “He’s going to want this,”

“Mr. Barba asked me not to tell anyone. It’s personal,” Carmen stated.

“Well can you call him?” the detective insisted. Carmen thought for a second before agreeing to give it a shot. She dialed the number,

“Mr. Barba, it’s Carmen, yes I know. I’m sorry to bug you, but Detective Benson is here and she says she needs to see you right now. Okay, yes I will,” Carmen hung up and turned back towards Olivia, writing something down on a piece of paper and handing it to her. “He’s expecting you,”

“Thank you,” Liv replied, heading back out to her car. She sat down in the driver’s seat, taking a look at the paper and shaking her head slightly. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Liv strolled down the white hallway, looking for room 405. She finally found it and just stood there, not wanted to knock and interrupt anything. She could see him, reclined in a chair next to the hospital bed, his eyes shut. “And Papi took us to work and I met a big detective Mami, he was nice,” it was Gabriella’s voice that she heard.

“Well that sounds fun honey,” Carson’s voice sounded soft and tired. Liv had met her more than once, and she liked Rafael’s wife.

“Alright mija, mami is tired, abuelita will be here soon to take you and Rafa out for ice cream,” Rafael said gently, reaching to pull his daughter off the bed.

“But Papi, you said you would take us out for ice cream,” Gabriella pouted,

“I know princesa, I’m sorry, but I have to stay here with Mami,” Rafael whispered,

“That’s not fair papi,” she crossed her little arms.

“Gabriella, please don’t even start,” he said tiredly, but she was already starting to cry, and then her brother started to cry and Rafael had enough, “Hey,” he said sharply, “Stop it now or I will put you in time out,”

“Rafael,” Carson whispered,

“I’ve got this,” he insisted, “Come on. Sit on the couch now,” Rafael disappeared from view, and Gabriella’s soft sobs were still audible. “Now be quiet,” he returned, Rafaelito in his arms, bouncing him up and down.

“Rafael,” Carson said softly again, “Babe, she’s just upset and tired, give her a break,”

“I’ve got this Carson, it’s okay,” Rafael assured her.

“Just because I’m sick doesn’t mean I’m not her mother anymore Rafi,” Carson snapped. He looked hurt.

“Carson I didn’t mean-”

“Well stop then, stop cutting me out of all these decisions. You took them to work? They could have stayed here,” she interrupted.

“No they couldn’t have and you know that,” he lowered his voice, trying not to further upset his daughter, “It was fine, they had fun,”

“Rafael, you look worn out. Are you sure you can do this, taking them to work, you aren’t taking care of yourself,” Carson whispered after a few minutes.

“Relax Cariño, my mother was going to watch them, something came up. I’m fine, just a little tired,” Rafael replied gently.

“Really, what’s the last thing you ate?” she fired back.

“Chex mix,” he whispered a few minutes later,

“For lunch? Again? This is what I’m talking about,”

“Mom is bringing me dinner, Carson, I’m okay I promise, stop worrying about me,” Rafael whispered, brushing some hair out of her face. Olivia felt uncomfortable standing there, but she didn’t want to bug him either. Thankfully Lucia Barba strolled up to the door at that moment,

“Detective Benson, right?” she asked, “You work with my son,”

“Mrs. Barba, I’m just here to see Rafael quickly,” Olivia replied.

“Let me get him,” Lucia said, smiling softly, “Rafi, someone here to see you,” she said, heading into the room.

“Oh Liv, I’ll be out in a second,” Rafael called, “I’ll be right back mi amor, te amo okay?” he whispered before heading out into the hallway with her.

“Hey, you left your briefcase at the precinct,” Liv said, holding it up.

“I’ve been looking for that everywhere,” he replied, smiling softly, “Thank you,” He saw the look on her face, turning away for a second, sighing tiredly. “I didn’t want to say anything, I didn’t want to say it outloud,”

“Rafael, you could have asked for help,” Liv whispered, “You’ve been running yourself ragged,” He was about to reply when his mom came out of the room, kids in tow,

“Bye Papi,” Rafaelito called, waving. Rafael smiled, waving at his son. Gabriella still looked upset.

“I have to show her I can do this, I can take care of them,” he whispered, tears in his eyes. A nurse came by, ready to head into her room, but Rafael stopped her, “Sorry, one second Liv, she’s sleeping in there,” he said, standing in front of the door,

“Mr. Barba, the doctor sent me to put her chemo in,” the nurse explained. It was cancer then.

Rafael got a look on his face, something that Liv couldn’t read. He tiredly ran a hand over his face, “Um, we talked,” he said tiredly, trying to keep his voice even, “Carson doesn’t want it anymore,” Liv had no idea how he had been dealing with this all on his own.

“Mr. Barba-”

“I talked to the oncologist yesterday, the cancer spread, it’s everywhere. She’s done, pain meds are fine, but she doesn’t want the chemo anymore or the radiation,” he insisted. The nurse finally nodded.

“I’ll send the doctor to talk to you,” she offered, and Rafael just nodded, turning back to Liv.

“Oh Rafael,” Liv whispered, pulling him into a hug. He leaned his face against her shoulder for a second before pulling back slightly. He sniffled,

“It’s okay, I’m going to be okay,” she wasn’t sure if that was more for her benefit or for his. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Barba’s wife has cancer?” Carisi asked, his eyes going wide. Liv just nodded. “Damn, I didn’t even know Barba was married,”

“Fifteen years they’ve been together. Married for seven I think,” Liv whispered, “They met in college. You’d like her Carisi,”

“Does it look bad?” he asked softly.

“It’s pancreatic, stage IV, they just stopped chemo for good. So yeah, it's as bad as it gets,”

“Those poor kids,” Fin added, walking into the room.

“Poor Barba,” Carisi whispered, shaking his head.

“Everyone go easy on him, he needs some space right now,” Liv whispered. “I think he’s at his office, please no one mention any of this. We have to talk to him about the case, but don’t you start anything with him,” she looked pointedly at Carisi, “I know how you two get,”

“Relax, I’ll be on my best behavior,” he said, smiling sadly at Liv. When they got to Barba’s office, the door was shut, but he was obviously in there.

“You’re gonna have to wait, Mr. Barba is talking to his mother,” Carmen said, smiling at them, “He should be done in a few minutes,”

“Go on in, we’re done,” Lucia said, a soft smile at the detectives as she left the room. When Liv walked in, Rafael was facing the window, a glass of bourbon in his hand.

“Hey you,” she said simply. He turned to look at her and smiled slightly.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Rafael asked, turning towards them, accidentally sending a picture frame crashing to the ground off his desk. “Shit,” he hissed, kneeling down to pick up the pieces, he pulled his hand away from the glass, blood dripping from his fingers.

“Here, counselor, let me help you,” Sonny offered, coming over and starting to pick up the glass. He turned the picture over and frowned. “Is this your wife?” he asked softly. It was indeed a photo of Rafael and Carson, one of their engagement pictures. Olivia just pressed her hand against her face, Sonny had basically just done what she didn’t want. He was bringing Rafael’s mind back to the issue at hand, not that he probably could ever completely banish it from his mind, but now he was actively thinking about her.

“Yeah, that’s her,” Rafael simply replied, gratefully taking the tissues that Fin was handing to him and pressing them to his fingers.

“You’re married to Carson Parks? How did I not know that?” Sonny kept talking and Liv wanted to strangle him.

“Carisi,” she hissed.

“It’s alright Liv,” Rafael sighed, standing up. “Damn, this is bleeding,” he hissed, pulling the saturated tissue away. “So to what do I owe the pleasure of three SVU detectives coming to visit me?” he asked. Liv grabbed his hand, putting more pressure on the wound. Liv was about to answer when his phone started to ring. He reached for it, shoving it between his shoulder and his ear so he could help Liv with his hand more, “Hello? Hey, what’s going on? Are you alright?” he was quiet for a few moments, “No, I’ll be there right away, that-I am not getting too worked up about this,” his face was starting to turn red, “Carson, I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, sit tight,” Rafael hung up, turning towards the detectives, “I have to go, come with, I can talk on the way,” Olivia filled him in on the new information about the case on the ride to the hospital. They trailed him up to her floor, stopping short when the elevator opened and they were met with a hoard of media. “Who the hell told them she was here?” Rafael hissed, his skin starting to redden again. Liv put her hand on his shoulder. He did not need to go ballistic on these people. His muscles were tensed up,

“Rafael, stay calm,” she whispered.

“Stay calm?” he replied, clenching his jaw, “These vultures are here trying to get pictures, do you know how self conscious she is? All she wants right now is privacy, she wants to die in peace,” His voice broke at the end. Liv rubbed his shoulder slightly, nudging him down the hallway, “I hate this,” he whispered, “I hate this,”

“I know,” was all Liv could say back, helping to shove through the hoards of people that were screaming questions at him.

Rafael, is it true that Carson is stopping her chemo?

Mr. Barba, how long do the doctors think she has?

Mr. Barba! Rafael! Rafael!

He was shaking slightly, he looked like he wanted to kill someone. Liv pushed through the last of the reporters. “Guys,” she whispered, “Come here, stand in front of the door,” Liv practically smuggled him into the room past the reporters and shut the door.

“Hey,” Carson whispered from the bed. This was the first good look Liv had gotten at her. She looked like a skeleton, skin and bone, her face sunken, and she looked so tired. The last time Liv had seen her, just over half a year before, she had been vibrant and healthy. Carson had been getting ready to try and get back into the soccer scene after having taken time off to take care of Rafaelito, but she had deteriorated quickly.

“Hey, you,” Rafael whispered, coming over to the bed and kissing her forehead, “Are you okay? It’s a mess out there,” Carson was quiet, leaning into his touch as he gently ran his hand through her hair. “You look tired,” he whispered later, “Do you want me to turn the lights out?”

“No,” Carson whispered. She opened her eyes, looking up and seeing Liv, her face brightening, “Hey Liv, long time no see,”

“It’s been too long, how are you feeling today?” Olivia asked gently, coming over to grip Carson’s hand.

“Come here,” she whispered, hugging Liv, “You know, as good as can be expected,” Rafael headed over to the door, peeking out to see how it was going.

“You guys can come on in,” he said softly, “Just be quiet,” Carisi and Fin filed in quietly as promised, Rafael pushing the door shut behind them. “Carson, you have some more visitors,” Rafael said gently. Carson seemed pretty out of it, only partially aware of her surroundings. It took her a few minutes to work up enough energy to say anything,

“You must be Carisi,” she said, looking at the blond haired detective, “And you are Fin then,”

“Yes ma'am,” Fin said with a smile.

“I like you,” Carson said with a small laugh, sending her into a short coughing fit. She held up a hand when Rafael started to fuss over her. She was talking to Carisi. “You drive him a little crazy,” she added. Sonny grinned a goofy smile. Rafael just shook his head, laughing softly. She shut her eyes after that, but Liv wasn’t sure if she was asleep or just too drained to keep her eyes open and have a conversation. Rafael sat on the edge of the bed, careful to avoid any tubes or wires, and he just quietly tried to comfort her.

“Based on what you guys said earlier, you can arrest Miller,” Rafael whispered eventually.

“For Man One?” Fin asked,

“I’m thinking bigger, one count of murder two, two of rape one. I’ll convene a grand jury here in a few days and get an indictment,” he replied.

“I’ll call Rollins,” Sonny offered, pulling out his phone.

“So where are the kids?” Fin asked softly.

“With the babysitter,” Rafael murmured, “I’m going to pick them up later, bring them here for the evening provided Rafaelito doesn’t throw another tantrum. I had to drive him around for most of the night to get him to quiet down yesterday. Both of them are tired,”

“How about I help you out with them tonight Barba,” Sonny said, coming back over, “I can color with Gabriella or something, we had fun at the precinct,” Rafael nodded gratefully.

“Thank you guys,” he whispered.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Rafael didn’t mention it again for weeks afterwards. He was at work more than not, in court when he was supposed to, but he was visibly beaten down. Rafael was quiet, he was reserved, he was opposite of his usual self, and it worried Olivia. It wasn’t until over a month later, one late evening that Liv got a call. She picked up her phone, turning the page of a file, “Hello?”

“Liv?”

“Barba, what’s up?” she asked gently, standing up. She didn’t like his tone of voice at all.

“Liv I really need your help, please,” Rafael whispered,

“I’ll be right there,” Olivia promised, standing up and grabbing her jacket. When she got to the hospital, he was waiting in the hallway, Gabriella and Rafaelito in his arms. “Barba, what’s wrong?”

“Liv,” he said, his face crumbling, “Can you stay with them on the couch or something, I don’t want them to watch when…” he trailed off, but she got the idea, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder,

“Of course,” it was all she could think to say. There were no words to comfort him at the moment.

“Princesa, we are going to go in there and give mami a big hug, I want you to tell her how much you love her, está bien?” Rafael murmured to Gabriella.

“Si papi,” she replied. Liv stayed in the doorway as Rafael picked up Gabriella and carried her into the room,

“Cariño, someone is here to see you,” he whispered. Carson opened her eyes and smiled weakly.

“C’mere baby,” she whispered hoarsely. Rafael gently set her on the bed, and she hugged Carson tightly,

“I love you mami,” Gabriella said, “I wish you were feeling better,” Rafael turned away for a second, quietly choking up. Carson just laid there with her little girl in her arms for a few minutes,

“Gabriella,” she whispered, just loud enough that Liv could hear, “I love you so so much honey. Promise me you will be good for your papi,”

“I promise mami,”

“You give him a big hug for me later, yeah,” Carson whispered. Rafael was starting to lose it.

“I will,” Rafael let Carson hold her for a while longer before picking Gabriella back up,

“Go on out with Olivia,” he whispered. Rafael came over and took his son from her arms, “Hey buddy, come on, let’s see mami,” He lowered the toddler into Carson arms,

“Rafa,” she whispered, tearing up herself, “You look just like your father,” she whispered, holding her baby close. Rafaelito knew something was wrong, he could sense the tension in the room.

“Tell mami you love her,” Rafael murmured,

“Mama,” Rafa whispered, copying what his father had said to him, “I wove you,” Carson laughed a little bit, stroking his hair. He wrapped his chubby arms around her neck, clinging. Rafael went to take him after a while, but Carson just held him tighter,

“Not yet,” she whispered, obviously having a hard time breathing. “Mami loves you Raf, you be a good boy for papi,” She held tight to him for a few more seconds, kissing his little face. “Okay,’ Carson whispered finally, her voice barely audible. Rafael took the two year old, handing him to Liv. He picked up a tablet from the table, handing it to Liv with headphones for them both.

“There are movies on there,” he whispered. Liv grabbed Rafael’s arm, giving him a reassuring squeeze, trying to comfort him. He just smiled sadly at her, turning around to go back to the bed. He sat down beside it, gripping Carson’s hand.

“Here guys, come on, let’s go watch a movie,” Olivia murmured. walking them over the couch. The kids got distracted quickly, but Gabriella would peek over at her parents every now and then, realizing something was going on. Olivia tried not to eavesdrop but it was hard to not hear what they were saying.

“Rafael, I’m scared,” Carson whispered, “I-I don’t want to die, Rafi, I’m not ready,” Rafael dropped his head, sucking in breaths raggedly,

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed back, “I know, I’m scared too,” he pressed his lips against her hand, “I’m so scared, but it’s going to be okay, I promise,” Rafael stood up, “Here, let’s get you more comfortable,” he murmured.

“You, breaking rules?” Carson whispered, jokingly, as he climbed behind her into the bed to hold her. “Guapo, I like this new you,”

“Oh hush,” he murmured back, kissing her shoulder as she leaned against him, shutting her eyes and gripping his hand. “I let you talk me into all sorts of things,”

“I can’t believe you let me blow you in your office,” she laughed,

“That was a bad decision,” Rafael whispered back, stroking her arms and chest comfortingly, “A really, really bad decision,” Carson let out a hiss of breath, whimpering slightly. “Are you okay,”

“Rafael, I’m dying, so no, not really,” she tried to joke, but instead her voice broke,

“Me and the kids, we’re going to be fine, it’s going to be okay,” Rafael was trying to be reassuring, but he was also trying to hold back tears of his own,“And I’ll be here with you,” he added, “You won’t be alone,”

“I know, it’s just, there was so much more I wanted to do,” Rafael kissed the top of her head, resting his cheek there as he let a few tears fall. He just whispered reassuring words to her for hours. Eventually, she was quiet, her eyes closed, and he just laid there, still whispering to her. The sun was just beginning to come up when her breathing began to shallow out. “It’s okay,” Rafael whispered, “We’re going to be okay, you go Car, you go. I love you,” he murmured over and over and over again to her until her heart rate flattened out. Olivia sat quietly, Gabriella asleep in her lap, little Rafael balanced against her shoulder. She could hear Rafael’s soft choked sobs as he just sat there, his eyes shut, rocking gently. When he finally stood up, he looked numb, his eyes puffy and red.

“Rafael, I’m so so sorry,” Olivia whispered, easing out from under Gabriella.

“I need to talk to Gabriella, oh god,” he murmured, wiping his eyes. Rafael gently woke her up, kneeling down in front of her. “Mija, papi needs to talk to you,”

Gabriella rubbed her eyes, “Papi, what’s going on?” she asked groggily, looking closely at her father’s face.

“Gabriella, do you remember when I talked to you about how mami was sick?” Rafael asked gently. Olivia headed out, trying to give the two some privacy. She wanted to help, but there was nothing to do that would make any of this better, not right now. Gabriella was sobbing when Rafael came out into the hall with her,

“Papi, you said she was going to be okay,” she cried, clinging to Rafael,

“I know what I said honey, I was wrong,” She just buried her face in his shirt after that, sniffling as Rafael collapsed onto the bench, kissing her head, starting to sob again himself. Liv just sat next to him, silently, little Rafael still asleep in her arms. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

“Come on, we’re gonna be late,” Carisi said, grabbing his black suit jacket from the back of his chair. Liv was just coming out of the bathroom, having changed into her black clothes.  
“Has anyone talked to Barba since last week?” she asked, “I haven’t heard a word from him since I took him home,”

“Not a peep,” Sonny replied.

“Nope,” Amanda echoed, the same coming from Fin.

“Damn, he’s not taking my calls, he’s been silent,” Liv murmured, “Let’s go,” Liv was climbing into the car when her phone went off. “Hello?”

“Detective Benson, it’s Carmen, I’m worried about Mr. Barba,” When Liv got to the D.A.’s office, she rushed up to find him. It was completely dark, he was sitting on the couch, an empty bottle of liquor on the table, another one in front of him. The floor was littered with broken glass and papers, one lone picture in his shaking hand. Chairs were turned over, books strewn across the floor.

“Liv, what the hell are you doing here?” he whispered, taking another sip of his drink. Olivia sat down next to him, wracking her brain for anything to say to the grief ridden man. He looked beat down.

“I think the better question is what are you doing here?”she finally replied.

“Rehearsing for a Broadway musical, what the hell does it look like,” Rafael snapped. Liv grabbed his arm when he started to stand,

“Rafael, come on,” she whispered, taking the glass from his hand, but he ripped his arm away, starting to pace.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered a few seconds later, his voice breaking, “I-I’m just having a bad day, I didn’t mean to-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Liv interrupted, standing up, and putting a hand on his shoulder, “Sit down, talk to me,”

“No offense Liv, but it’s not you I want to talk to right now,” Rafael replied, reaching for his drink, but she pulled it away. He turned away, running his hands through his hair, “What am I even doing,” He had on a slightly wrinkled shirt, his hair wasn’t even close to neat. Rafael looked like a mess.

“Rafael, take a breath,” Olivia whispered, “Let’s clean this up,”

He tiredly rubbed his face, “That’s a good idea,” he finally murmured, kneeling down and gathering up the things he had thrown. After a few minutes of silence, them both picking things up, Rafael turned towards her, his eyes bloodshot and haunted, “I don’t sleep anymore Liv,” he whispered, “I just lay in my dark room, in our damn bed that’s suddenly too big, and I remember all the things I wished I would have done differently. I should have let her get the kids a dog, she wanted a puppy, and I said no. I should have-there are so many things that I did wrong,” He dropped his head into his hands, “Why did I-why didn’t I tell her I loved her more often, why did I work so much?” Liv reached out, pulling his head to her shoulder, stroking his hair as he sobbed.

“You couldn’t have known, this wasn’t your fault. She knew how much you loved her,” she whispered to him. He finally was just sniffling, his chest heaving. Liv rubbed a hand across his back.

“I’m so angry, I’m angry at her for leaving me, I wanted more time, and that sounds horrible, I know, but I’m angry. I don’t even know what to say to my kids,” he fell back, sitting and resting his elbows on his thighs. “Gabriella started sucking her thumb again, she hasn’t done that since she was two. She won’t sleep anywhere but in bed with me, she’s scared of the dark again,” Liv just let him talk, trying not to make it worse by trying to fix the situation, “Yesterday, she asked me if I was going to die too, I can’t even, I don’t know what to say,”

“She’ll adjust Rafael, all of that is normal when she’s suffered this type of loss,” Liv whispered, “Just assure her that it is unlikely that you would die, be honest,”

Rafael nodded, toying with the cuff of his shirt. He wiped at his tears that started to fall again, “Rafa doesn’t even know what happened I don’t think. I told him, but he just asks me over and over when she’s coming home, where she is. I keep telling him, I keep trying to explain. I’m trying so damn hard, but I can’t do this. I can’t do this without her,”

“I know, I know this is hard,” Liv whispered.

“I gave them ice cream for dinner last night, fucking ice cream, I’m awful. How am I supposed to hold their world together when I am falling apart?”

“Just take it one day at a time,” They picked up the rest of it in silence, “Now, let’s go, I don’t think this is something you want to miss,” He just nodded, following her out to the car, preparing to say goodbye one last time. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Epilogue

“Papi! Papi! Rafa drew all over my paper!” Gabriella shrieked. Rafael dropped his briefcase in his office, tiredly rubbing his face.

“Rafael, come here,” he called, walking out into the kitchen where his ten year old daughter was working on homework. The seven year old bolted into the kitchen, “Did you draw on your sister’s paper?” he asked sternly. Rafa shook his head,

“He did too!” Gabriella insisted. Rafael sternly looked at his son who then hung his head and nodded.

“Feed the dog and then go to your room. I’ll call you when dinner is here,” Rafael instructed. His son dutifully headed over to the closet to get the dog food out. Rafael tiredly poured himself a glass of water before collapsing down into a chair at the table. “How was your day at school mija?” he asked softly, shutting his eyes.

“It was good,” Gabriella said, starting to babble. Rafael opened his eyes and looked at her, smiling sadly. She looked so much like her mother, the way her eyes sparkled when she smiled, the cute way she scrunched up her nose when she got angry, the dimple that appeared on the left side of her face. “Papi,” her voice pulled him from his thoughts,

“Lo siento princesa, what did you say? I got distracted,” he quickly said.

“Do you know what a nu-nucleus is?” she asked, struggling to say the word. Rafael frowned, he knew it had something to do with cells, something with science, but that was not something he was good at. At all.

“What are you working on?” he asked softly, trying to figure out how much information she really needed.

“Science flashcards for next unit. It’s just the vocabulary list,” Gabriella replied, holding out her paper for him to see. Rafael took a look at it, shaking his head,

“You are so smart Gabriella, this is a question that your mother would-” he trailed off, standing up, “Sorry cariño, I don’t know,” he amended, heading to the cabinet for the bourbon. He just needed one glass to take the edge off. Gabriella was silent for a few minutes.

“Why don’t we ever talk about Mami?” her little voice pierced the tense silence in the room. Rafael took a sip of the amber liquid, frowning. That couldn’t be true, they talked about Carson, they did,

“We do too talk about Mami,” he argued, turning to face her.

“No we don’t,” Rafa’s voice was soft from the hallway. Rafael knew he should tell the seven year old to go back to his room where he was supposed to be, but he had already been in there for a while, and this was more important.

“We don’t?” he finally asked, sitting back down. Rafa came out, sitting across from his sister. They both shook their heads, “What about when we go visit her on her birthday?”

“Well we go see her and take flowers, but I don’t even know what Mami’s favorite color was,” Gabriella replied.

“Yeah, I don’t even know what Mami looked like,” Rafa added. Rafael took a gulp of his drink, guilt beginning to overwhelm him. It still hurt like a gaping hole in his chest when he thought about it, but he couldn’t not tell his children about their mother. That wasn’t fair to anyone.

“Okay, well how about we talk about Mami now,” he whispered, “Come on, I have something to show you,” Rafael took his son’s hand, Gabriella trailing them as he walked down the hallway. “Well for starters,” he said, “Mami’s favorite color was green and Rafa, if you look at your sister, that is what Mami looked like,” Rafael stopped in front of the door that he hadn’t opened in years. He had to take a deep breath,

“Papi, I thought we weren’t supposed to go in here,” Gabriella whispered.

“This is the scary room,” Rafa whispered. Rafael turned towards his son,

“This room isn’t scary Rafael, this room was Mami’s office,” he explained, opening the door to reveal the walls that were covered in Carson’s jerseys and scarves, her diploma from Harvard. Her old laptop sat untouched on her desk, papers strewn all over the place. All of the old pictures of them were stacked on a table, her awards on the shelves just like he left them five years before. He had shut all of it away, somewhere where it didn’t hurt so much, somewhere that it didn’t make him feel like he was going to suffocate. “Here, come here,” he sat down on the couch, pulling Rafael up into his lap, and Gabriella sat next to him, “You see all of these jerseys?” Rafael said softly, smiling sadly, “Mami used to be a really, really good soccer player. She played for the New York Flash,”

“She played soccer like me,” Gabriella said excitedly,

“Si mija, you are a lot like your mami, she wanted so badly to see you grow up. She was so excited that you liked sports even when you were five,” Rafael explained.

“What about me?” Rafa asked, “Am I like Mami?” Rafael felt a warm feeling inside of him. It hurt to talk about her, but at the same time, to remember her, to remember all of the good things that they had, he felt like she could be there with him.

“You, Rafael, make me think of your mother all the time. You are stubborn like her, you make me laugh all the time just like she used to. You both have part of her inside of you, and every time I look at you two, I think of her,” They both were smiling.

“How did you meet mami?” Gabriella asked. Rafael smiled fondly,

“I spilled coffee all over her in college. She graduated a few years after me at Harvard,” He said, laughing softly. They both started giggling, and Rafael grabbed a picture from the table, “Here, let’s look at some pictures,” Rafael teared up slightly, looking at the pictures, at her beautiful smile. He felt like he would get up and go into the bedroom and there she would be, smiling at him, joking, making him laugh. It hurt, but it was okay. He should have done this a long, long time ago.


End file.
